Hope Is the Thing with Armor

“Hope is the thing with feathers,” said Emily Dickinson.

That sounds nice. Beautiful and dainty and nice.

“And sings the tune without words,” she goes on. Yeah, I get that. You’ve got to have hope when you have no idea what will happen. I’ve been there.

“And sore must be the storm- that could abash the little bird.” Okay, hope is a tough bird. Persistent and enduring. Sounds good.

“Yet never in extremity- it asked a crumb of me,” ……… (record scratch) hold on now.

Hope asks nothing of us? Or at most, it asks a crumb? No offense, Em, but that hasn’t been my experience.

Hope is the thing that kicks my ass. It’s airy and intangible and magical, but as sure as the day follows night it asks much of me.

It’s one of the scariest of things to hope for something. Which makes it one of the bravest. Hoping for something is vulnerable. It means you might not get it, but you’re going to live like you will. It often means you want something you’ve never had before or you expect something that’s never happened before and the odds might not be in your favor. Believing that something good may happen is no small thing.

Hope often presents like the tiniest of flames, or a whisper from somewhere mysterious. Or as Ms. Dickinson suggests: a little bird in the midst of a storm. But make no mistake, hope isn’t a delicate little damsel of a thing.

It’s a warrior that keeps on fighting even though the battle looks lost. It’s a strict teacher that forces you to try again when you’re on the ground and crying. It looks you in the eye and says, “this isn’t the day we quit.” It doesn’t care how you feel or what happened in the past or how bleak the future looks, it says nonetheless, “Tomorrow will be better.”

It takes great courage and grit to have hope. It means you haven’t resigned yourself to whatever mediocre existence there is without it. It means you might not get what you’re hoping for, and yeah guess what, you’ll keep on going. It’s safer to not hope. It’s safer to decide maybe you don’t want that thing or a different life.

But if you decide that you do, if you decide that you’ll put your heart on the line and try hope instead of despair: you are the bravest of warriors, my friend.

You say, “I believe in a thing, and it makes me strong, not weak.” You’ve weighed your options and decided that this vulnerability is worth it. You might look silly and you might be misunderstood, but you’re going to hope anyway because it’s a better way to live, sometimes the only way.

And it probably won’t look like much. It might look like finally getting out of bed after 3 whole days. It might look like opening up a blank document one more time. It might be calling a friend or asking a question or simply showing up. That’s the thing about hope. That’s why we think it’s a feathery bird that won’t ask much. It’s sneaky and quiet and almost always acts when no one’s watching. So we underestimate it. We take it for granted.

But hope isn’t for everyone. It isn’t for the weak and it isn’t for cowards. It’s there for the taking for those willing to grasp onto it with white knuckles and go with no guarantees. It’s the thing that says, “don’t let go,” when you don’t know where you’re going.

It’ll pick you up and take you somewhere better. It’ll breathe life back into you and make you whole again. But make no mistake my friends, it will ask much of you. Hope is the thing with armor.

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Don't Postpone Joy

Don’t postpone joy. If you look that up, you’ll see the quote attributed to a few different people throughout the years. You’ll even find books written about it carrying that exact title. But lately for me, it’s become a rallying cry. A life motto. A creed to guide my actions.

I’ve always felt that I’d be truly happy when __________ (insert whatever life event here) happens. I thought I’d be happy when I got through my parents’ divorce. I thought I’d be happy when my husband got back from deployment overseas. I thought I’d be happy when I found the right job. I thought I’d be happy when I got through my depression. Now I think I’ll be happy when someday I’ve proven my body can carry a baby to term. I think I’ll be happy when I’m a famous NYT bestselling author. Or maybe when I have a bigger house. Or maybe when I finally figure out how to spell liuetenant or have a Sex and the City-esque girl gang or learn to have a good fucking attitude. Or stop swearing so much.

Maybe that’s what’s standing between me and feeling my ultimate joy. Just one more obstacle to overcome and I’ll be there.

Maybe that’s you too. Or maybe, you’re not trying to get through something, you’re just waiting for any damn thing to happen at all. Maybe you’ve been living the same nothing burger life for so long, you’d welcome any kind of trial or tribulation just to spice it up.

I feel ya. Not too long ago, I ended up in the hospital with a very dangerous infection. I didn’t almost die, per say, but I did almost have a surgery that would prevent me from every having children. And had we waited another day or two to go in, I would have been in much more trouble than that. I’m a very privileged person who, before this, had never had much more than a few common life obstacles to try and get around. I’ve been lucky. And I got lucky again. But I realized, life might not turn out how I always thought it would.

It left me with a lingering feeling: now is really all I have. I was very sad afterwards. I had to grieve a miscarriage and then, shortly after, a second. I had to do a bunch of tests and then learn that some things about me biologically might not be exactly right. But I carried with me a sense of urgency that I couldn’t postpone my joy. Now is all I have and if I was going to wait to be happy for some future thing that might not happen, well sister, I might just spend my whole life waiting.

I would encourage you to not postpone your own joy either. Let me convince you.

1. You only get one life. Did you know that? Of course you’ll say yes. Duh. Everyone knows that. It’s a pretty common, inspirational thing to say, right? But I mean really know it. “In your bones” know it. “Affect everything you do and think and choose” know it. Because I’m not so sure you do. I know I don’t, but I’m working on it. We don’t have that much time. And reincarnation might be a thing, but you probably won’t remember this life when you’re in the next one. THIS IS IT. Don’t waste time.

2. You never know what might happen. This one life you’ve got, it’s pretty short. Hopefully you’ll live a long and healthy one, but you never know. It’s a morbid thought, and humans don’t like to talk about death, but it’s a comin’ for us all. For some sooner rather than later. Don’t let your “someday” become never because you run out of time.

3. It’s your duty. Robert Louis Stevenson said, “there is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.” Studies show that happy people are generally more sociable, forgiving, tolerant, and even productive. If you want to be a better person, mother, father, wife, husband, friend, etc., you have a duty to not postpone your joy. It will improve your life and the lives of those you love. Please take this seriously. Seeking your own joy is not selfish. Unless your own joy is found in killing puppies or stealing from charities. Then you’re really hurting people and you need to cut that out, arseholio.

Wouldn’t it be grand if we had all the money we wanted and could take all the big trips immediately and buy all the things and not work, all in the name of not postponing our joy?! It sure would. But alas, the joy gods have not smiled upon me in this way yet. And not upon you yet either, I’m assuming. Make the big moves if you can. Absolutely go for it. But it’s our job to seek joy in the here and now, without the help of inordinate amounts of time or money.

1. Do something big you’ve always wanted to do. This isn’t a contradiction to what I just said above. It doesn’t have to be big financially, though if you have the means, definitely go for it. This past fall my husband had to be in Germany for four months for work. Since I can write anywhere, I went as well and we turned it into the months-long romp all over Europe that we’d always dreamed of doing.

   In many ways though, starting my blog felt even bigger than that trip, and all it cost me was $19.99 and most of my sanity. Think about the things you’ll always do “someday.” Tim Ferriss has a fun exercise he runs with entrepreneurs he advises. He tells them to think of a 10 year goal, and then asks them, if someone put a gun to their head and told them they had to do it in 6 months, how would they do it? If your life absolutely depended on it, how would you get it done? It makes you think outside the box and come up with some pretty unique and creative solutions. Ask yourself the same thing. Why can’t you do that “someday” thing right now? Try this experiment. You might not be able to do it tomorrow, but I bet you’re much closer than you think.

2. Indulge your petty obsessions. This one’s my favorite. If you’re going through something rough, one of the most cathartic things to do is get shallow. We all have things we love, and they’re kinda dumb. Or maybe you love something and you’re just not sure why. Maybe you love something and no one knows it cause you’re embarrassed. For me, it’s Meghan Markle, aka the Dutchess of Sussex, and all the royal news that comes with her. I listen to three royal podcasts, and woke up at 4:00 am to watch her wedding and make quiche and mimosas for only me because I couldn’t convince my other saner friends to join.

   I’m not entirely sure why I’m so obsessed with her. I did watch Suits from the beginning and have followed her on Instagram for years, but this level of celebrity glorification is out of character for me. But I’ve decided not to question it or overanalyze it. Just let my heart love what it loves. And what my heart loves is the tiny, beautiful, mixed race royal baby that is about to be born and change my life and royal news content consumption forever. Listening to these podcasts and joining in on the royal news discussion groups bring me SO MUCH JOY. It is a bit embarrassing. But I don’t care anymore.

   We can’t choose our petty obsessions, they choose us. And the best we can do is lean into them and let them bring us the immediate joy they were meant to bring us. What are your petty obsessions? Do you love bundt cake making? Gone down a Kanye Twitter rabbit hole? Can’t get enough Real Housewives? Are you anal about paper mache? LEAN INTO IT. As long as it’s not hurting your quality of life or that of those around you, get into it. This is one of the fastest and easiest ways to quit postponing your joy and grab some for yourself in the here and now., especially if your battling heavy things.

3. Do the cheesy things. Dance when nobody’s watching. Go for a walk on the beach. Take a bubble bath. Snuggle your dog. These are cliche “self care” things people often talk about, but they do for a reason. They really help. Tell the people in your life how much you love them out of the blue, even if it makes you feel weird. Send the letter you’ve been meaning to send. Buy people birthday presents. Sometimes these things make me feel self conscious and make me wonder if I’m coming on too strong, but I never regret it. And it always brings me joy.

4. Stare at the things you love. Yup, that’s right, just stare at them. Surround yourself with them. I love to stare just a little too long at my husband and dog. I want to take them all in and give my love for them just a minute to really take hold. Speaking of petty obsessions, I collect dinosaur planters and have them all over my house. I’m not sure why, but they’re whimsical and bring me so much joy. I surround myself with them because they make me really happy. I don’t care if they seem juvenile or I don’t quite have the perfect place yet. I am postponing my dinosaur planter collecting habit for no man. Or woman. Or judgmental cousin.

Your joy, I would argue, is there just dangling right in front of you. Yours for the taking. Don’t postpone it. Don’t put it off. Even if you’re working through something hard, you’ve got to walk through it no matter what. You might as well grab a little joy in the process. Now is all we have. Whether you’re walking through something tough or waiting for anything to happen at all, you’re worth seeking all the joy you can find right now in the most imperfect of times.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk. :)

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